That Awkward Moment When...

So...it’s been a while since I posted. This post isn’t necessarily about being a Raging Bitch. It’s more about needing to get things out in the air and off my chest.

I went to a party last night. I also had a fucking blast. Until the end that is. I was feeling a little meh by the end of the night. My buzz was wearing off and I just wanted cuddles and love.  Aaaand I didn’t get any. Bummer, eh. So when one of my male friends comes upstairs and asks for people to come downstairs and crash in his room with him because he doesn’t want to sleep alone... well, we all need cuddles sometimes, yeah? So my female friend and I went downstairs to crash with him. Now picture me all non-buzzed and just wanting to go to bed...next thing I know the bed is squeaking and I’m hearing heavy breathing and panting.

You’re fucking kidding me, right?

So. Here I am with two of my friends going at it and I can’t help but wonder how one should deal with this sort of thing. Do I turn around and flip shit like I so desperately want to? Do I get up quietly, gather my things, and flee? Well, I did a mixture of both really. I got up, grabbed my shit, and walked out – slamming the door as I left. I figured that might be able to penetrate their horny beer crazed minds. Who knows, they were pretty busy. 

Now, a rational person would be vaguely disgusted and then get on with their life right?

Nope. Not me. That’s because -like most people- I have issues. Baggage. Awkward hang-ups and semi-crippling insecurities.  

I was really offended by their actions, and more than a little hurt. Their actions sent me a very clear message: their needs outweighed mine. My feelings and my comfort meant absolutely nothing in the face of their biological urges. Of course I’m thrilled with this revelation, whether or not they meant it that way. Now, some people might have thought that I knew what I was getting myself into. Said friends are both known for indiscriminate sex and healthy libido’s and we’d all been drinking. The fact that they'd only known each other a grand total of 6 hours was kind of the cherry on top of this whole situation. But when one of my friends says they don’t want to sleep alone and asks people... PEOPLE... not a singular person, down to their room because they don’t want to sleep alone, that signals loneliness to me, not horniness. And because I know what it feels like to be lonely - since I’ve been alone my entire fucking life - I figured that I’d go down there and give up a good night’s sleep to share some comfort with a friend.  That’s what I get for actually giving a shit about other people’s feelings and emotional well being.

 Unfortunately I am the type of person that gives. And gives. And gives. And never gets back it seems. I am seriously at the point where I am sick and tired of giving. I’m tired of adding people to my life who give nothing to it - whom I give love, support, advice, and protection to when they need it. But selfishness abounds, especially in my own mind. I am number one. I need to come first sometimes. I need to fulfill my own needs before I am crushed under the weight of my own inner thoughts and recriminations. So fuck all of you. Every single one of you who thinks they have the right to ignore me and my needs.Who thinks they have a right to my love, my advice, my loyalty and support. For once, I want to be number one. Over everything else. And since it’s not healthy to ask that of another person, I guess I’ll just ask it of myself. Because maybe that’s what I need to be happy. I've stood up for others my entire life, gave them someone who wouldn't judge them, who would care about them and give them whatever emotional support they needed. And I've been sucked dry it seems. I have nothing more to give. I really don't.

Slainte,

~ Viki 

P.S. If you're offended by this post I will honestly say I give zero fucks. If either of my friends are bothered by it, well then you should have thought about the consequences of your actions before you followed through with them. I'm clearly unimpressed with the entire situation, and I don't care if anyone thinks I've blown it out of proportion.  Deal with it.