Needs. We all have them. Some are more urgent than
others, but they are always there. My needs are plenty. They are a living, breathing, fluctuating,
pulsing thing that never seems to be satisfied and never goes away. They are
the voices in my head that tell me that I am a strong independent woman and
that I deserve to be respected. But they are also the creeping loneliness and
unhappiness that filters through me in the early hours of the morning when I’m
awake and really should be sleeping.
It’s been years since I dealt with them. Life makes it hard sometimes to
stop and look into yourself and figure out just why you aren’t happy. Life
makes it hard to pinpoint the origin of happiness, of anger, of sadness, or
joy. Life makes it hard because life needs to be rational – at least for me.
Life needs to be practical solutions for not so practical problems. Life needs
to be responsible decisions and being an adult. Not sitting around and
analyzing why nothing seems to be enough for me. Why I can’t be enough for me. I’m happy being alone. Seriously. My life
does not revolve around any one person or thing. It revolves around being the
best person I can be without sacrificing my happiness and opinions, without
changing myself for others, without editing my emotions to make those around me
more comfortable. I try hard to be true
to myself, and it makes me wonder why I feel the need to be so blunt. Am I
trying to get attention by being so outspoken? Is it a cry for understanding? I
have no clue...All I know is that my needs are outweighing my common sense
right now. My mind is full of all this not so happy stuff that I just can’t
seem to untangle. It’s taken me two days to write this... and I’ve changed my
mind. I’m not happy being alone. I’m sick of being alone. I’m sick of being the
person who stands up for people. I want someone to stand up for me once; I want
someone to be my rock. So there. I’m tired of being single, despite the fact
that I am an overly controlling, stubborn, neurotic person who loves to hermit
and be creatively insane. Now someone
come over and give me some fucking snuggles. <3
Slainte,
~ Viki
No comments:
Post a Comment